Brainwaves

Written By: Chris Proctor
Published: February 27, 2017 Last modified: February 27, 2017

Some months ago, I undertook to offer the well-heeled Tribune reader a regular selection of sound investment tips. My debut venture into financial guidance was a huge success. You may recall that I proposed investment in the wall construction industry. Thanks to Donald Trump’s state of mind, there is every possibility of making vast profits along the 1,989-mile border between the United States and Mexico.

However, investors keen to see a spread of investments have approached me about other opportunities. I am happy to oblige. I recommend selling Palestinian property.

The good news is that thanks to the “Regularisation” Bill passed by the Israeli Knesset last month, the property you are selling does not actually have to be yours: an advance which makes this place the Promised Land for the discerning investor. The new law retrospectively legalises settler homes built on privately owned Palestinian land in the occupied West Bank.
This groundbreaking legislation takes the risk out of investment by introducing what I call the “SSEL” concept – that is, “Selling Someone Else’s Land’. You really can’t go wrong.

I don’t want anyone to be misled. There is a requirement for some small initial capital, primarily to fund a hefty stick and a brawny thug. With these economic aids, obnoxious Arab squatters (also known as “rightful owners”) can be relocated (also known a “evicted”) and the land ownership transferred (aka “stolen’). Having established this happy situation, the product is legally yours and available for sale.

The advantages of investing in this part of the world are overwhelming. For while the SSEL method can be utilised in any corner of the globe, you need favourable conditions to maximise profits. To follow this template in, say, Cornwall, would be troublesome. The so-called owners would cause a right stink in ­Parliament and the Daily Mail. The Israeli government is considerably more accommodating.

In fact, once you have driven off the owners, you can expect the security of your home to be guaranteed by the Israeli state. In the event of an impasse, they will always be prepared to back up your ownership discussions with helpful bombings and violent occupation; and you can’t ask for more than that.

Of course, you will have to endure pinkos moaning about theft and stuff. I’m no pedant. I can see the argument. In some societies, it is considered reprehensible to take over and sell land that is not entirely your own. But, happily, the British investor has no such traditions.

On the contrary, we have a long and proud record of land re-allocation on the contemporary Middle East model. The “enclosures” of the 19nth century are a good example. The country was littered with open spaces called “common land” where the riffraff fed their animals and their selves. Then the ruling class came along, put up fences and said they owned it. Job done.

The Scots were a trifle less accommodating and investors were obliged to resort to the “hefty stick and brawny thug” stratagem to get the show on the road. But mercifully the Highlands were soon “cleared” and pictures of formerly clannish abodes began to brighten estate agents’ windows.

We Brits have “borrowed’ significant tracts of land on most continents: Africa, Asia, the Americas, Europe and the Pacific, for example. We’ve tried and tested the SSEL concept over centuries.

Our attitude towards other people’s property is more than simply a moral issue. It also has cultural significance, reaching its pinnacle with London’s British Museum. This stately building is a monument to stolen property. It has always interested me that it is called the British Museum when there’s nothing British in there. It’s choc-a-bloc with Abyssinian artefacts, Egyptian sarcophaguses and Greek marbles.

Sometimes a note is affixed to an ­exhibit, to the effect that this piece of artwork was a “gift from the grateful people” of Burma or South Africa or wherever. I think this is a sensible plan which I would advise you to follow when selling Palestinian pastures. It could increase the price.

Plaques could be affixed to new-build housing projects (aka “settlements’) announcing that the land was bequeathed by, say, an appreciative Hassan Awad. No need to mention that this took place as he adjourned to hospital following an interview with brawny thug wielding a hefty stick.
I’m trying to involve a member of the Windsor family in the project, as they have massive experience in the area of property amassing. One of them owns Wales, another Cambridge, yet another Wessex. Claiming to lord it over Wessex is especially interesting as the kingdom was abolished by King Harold in 1066. This proves that even owning somewhere non-existent can make you rich if you know how to play your cards right.

It’s difficult to say if Palestine exists or not; but regardless, I can assure you there is money to be made there…

About Chris Proctor

Chris Proctor is a Tribune columnist